Since becoming a parent 10 months ago, I have a newly sharpened understanding of the Buddhist tenet, "Life is Suffering." Exhaustion has become my new regular mode. Frustration, my new regular attitude. Between changing diapers, breastfeeding, rocking and singing the baby to sleep, playing, swinging, walking the dog, doing laundry, and cooking dinner, I have to find time to do my full-time job. When people ask me how motherhood is going, the first thing that comes to mind is "Traumatizing."
I often wonder why anyone wants to do this. I suppose it's possible that someone, somewhere, enjoys losing her identity, along with any semblance of control over her own body, to raise a child who will inevitably come to believe that its mother has ruined its life. Isn't there supposed to be a payoff? A good reason to do this? A happy feeling? Something?
Sure, there are moments of bliss. When my daughter looks at me -- in my sweatpant-festooned, unshowered state, face tear-stained and blotchy, hair askew, baby food dribbled on my shirt -- and she smiles at me. I am a mess and she smiles at me. That's pretty nice. I have a feeling that I'm supposed to think this nice feeling is worth it; that I could live in poverty for this nice feeling. That if anyone finds out how little attention I pay to my job and decides to fire me, this nice feeling will sustain me. But the truth is, it won't. I need my teaching job in order to do my mothering job.
Other parents seem more capable than me. They show up to work with their eyes open, fer chrissakes. How do they do that? They write lesson plans. They grade their students' papers in a timely fashion. All these things I used to just do, and they now require a serious effort, weeks of planning, a babysitter, and an extra $12 an hour plus food.
Right now, it seems like "balancing" work and home life is an unattainable dream. From reading the various "mommy blogs," I get the impression that posts like this one are supposed to end with some kind of upbeat, inspiring message. Here's how I do it! Here's how I have it all! But so far, I'm not doing it, and having it all is obviously impossible. I'd settle for having 1/3 of it.
If I'm being honest, I love being a teacher far more than being a parent. Teaching is something I've been trained for. I'm good at it. There are identifiable criteria for success. Parenting is a crapshoot. I try things and fail every day. No, every hour. Every minute. It's painful and difficult. I suppose the best I can do is say, "I'll keep trying." If I find a way to balance things, I will let you know. Don't hold your breath.
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